Toilet Paper Wars

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March 6, 2019 by phicks2012

Feuds sometimes start over the strangest things.

Back in the mid-90s, long before I moved into The Castle, I had, for a short and unpleasant while, a housemate with more gall than the country of France (historical pun there), and a narcissistic personality that pretty much defied comparison.

She would read over my shoulder when I tried to type personal (meaning private) emails on my computer — even after I moved it from the great room into my private bedroom. She frequently helped herself to my personal belongings (like expensive food items, nice linen dishcloths, glassware, laundry detergent, and even SCA Furniture) and then (when I caught her with them) denied they were ever mine. She refused to do any sort of housework (though she was a total slob, had pet birds, and tracked birdseed all over the house), and she intruded into my personal space whenever she damned well felt like it.

Why did I allow her to stay, even for a short while? Well, I liked and felt sorry for her poor beleaguered husband, or I’d have kicked her to the curb within a couple of months, and that’s the truth.

But, one thing she did that drove me freaking crazy was that she refused to buy her own toilet paper. I bought nice, good quality toilet paper for my own bathroom and for the half bath off of the great room, and she would take the toilet paper from the great room bath for her personal use, leaving none behind for anyone else.

When asking her repeatedly to stop it, and to please buy her own toilet paper, failed to work, I finally stopped putting the good stuff in the half bath. When she had the nerve to complain about that — and she DID — I told her that if she wanted high-grade toilet paper to buy her own, and instead she started sneaking into my private bathroom and stealing rolls from there. Stealthy she was not, but “Brazen” doesn’t even come CLOSE.

After I caught her at that, and she remained utterly unapologetic, I decided that enough was bloody well enough, and Toilet Paper Wars were at that point officially declared. Go to TP-DEFCON-4!!

I started buying the cheapest, harshest toilet paper I could find — and, trust me, store employees are NOT accustomed to being asked to point out the worst toilet paper they carry. 😉 I mean John Wayne toilet paper — “rough, tough, and won’t take shit off of nobody” — and if I could have found sandpaper on rolls or toilet paper with chunks of wood in it I swear to you that I’d have bought THAT just to make a point! 😉

I also frequently did not replace the toilet paper in the half bath at ALL when it ran out (she griped about that too), and I seriously debated the feasibility of changing it into a Pay Toilet. 😉 Laugh if you will!

At the height of the Toilet Paper Wars I actually put the cheap stuff even in my own bathroom — hiding the good stuff in the bathroom linen closet behind the towels, and I came within a hair’s breath of putting a key lock on the bathroom door. I mean, this woman actually had the audacity to grouse because she couldn’t find my good toilet paper in my private bathroom after being told very clearly and repeatedly to stay the Hell out of my private areas — so that would have been my next step if she’d been there much longer.

When I finally got rid of her she left with some things that flatly did not belong to her, but I got some of them back and the losses were almost worth it to get this woman out from under my roof. At the very least, I finally was able once again to feel secure putting food in my refrigerator and pantry, and was able to stop hiding shampoo and other personal care products, to stop needing a password on my computer desktop, and to safely put decent toilet paper back in my bathrooms!

True story, and All Hail John Wayne!!!!

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March 2019


I am an active, outgoing person interested in all sorts of things and all sorts of people! I'm constantly discovering new interests, and expect that to continue right into the grave!

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