November 9, 2015 by phicks2012
Okay, so maybe it doesn’t look like a soul-saving, life-prolonging, answer to life’s prayers. After all, it’s an antique — relatively speaking. It doesn’t have a single piece of plastic on it. It’s made of wood, without a solitary bell or whistle — but when you want to roll it, it rolls, and when you want to lean back, it leans. When you sit in it your butt doesn’t fall asleep, and it doesn’t have a metal rod running down the back grinding into your spine. It wasn’t designed by Torquemada or Wes Craven or Clive Barker.
Every time I glance over at the desk chair I’ve been using for the past two months I have to fight an impulse to haul it out into the yard, douse it with gasoline, and set it on fire, but I’ve decided that it might, after all, have some uses. They are as follows:
1) The cats can use it as a scratching post instead of messing with The Throne, giving them an acceptable alternate outlet for their destructive impulses.
2) I can offer its use to people I don’t like who somehow manage to get into my house, or to people who have no business sitting on semi-fragile antique furniture. Guess what!! If they break it, I won’t care!!
3) I can offer it as a prop to be hurled over castle battlements at Gulf Wars or Pennsic.
4) I can use it to barricade my door, or as a weapon in the event of zombie incursions. The bonus here is that I will not care if it gets smeared with putrefying flesh.
Sitting back in my Throne, I will likely come up with other creative uses for the Desk Chair of Doom, though none of them — unless I develop unexpected masochistic tendencies — will involve my actually sitting in it ever again in this lifetime. So there!