September 28, 2015 by phicks2012
According to Dante’s Inferno — and for those of you who flunked English Lit, Durante degli Alighieri (simply called Dante) 1265–1321, was a major Italian poet of the late Middle Ages. His Divine Comedy is widely considered the greatest literary work composed in the Italian language and a masterpiece of world literature, and The Inferno is the first part of that Divine Comedy (followed by Purgatory and Paradise) — there are nine (9) Circles of Hell.
According to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inferno_(Dante)
The Nine Circles of Hell are
1 First Circle (Limbo)
2 Second Circle (Lust)
3 Third Circle (Gluttony)
4 Fourth Circle (Greed)
5 Fifth Circle (Anger)
6 Sixth Circle (Heresy)
7 Seventh Circle (Violence)
8 Eighth Circle (Fraud)
9 Ninth Circle (Treachery)
This is expanded upon by http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=9+Circles+of+Hell
1st Circle: Unbaptized people and pagans
2nd Circle: Those who are overcome with lust/the need to have sex 24/7/365
3rd Circle: Gluttons/people who eat 24/7/365
4th Circle: Those who spend a shit load of money on shit they don’t need
5th Circle: The ones consumed with rage fight on the surface of the River Styx (greek mythology) and the slothful/ones who are lazy lie beneath the water
6th Circle: Heretics
7th Circle: The violent; the 7th Circle has 3 inner Circles
The Outermost Circle: Those who are violent against property and inanimate objects
The Middle Circle: Suicides
The Innermost Circle: Those who are violent against God, nature, and/or art
8th Circle: Frauds (seducers, flatterers, those who exchange money for spiritual goods, sorcerers/false prophets, corrupt politicians, hypocrites, thieves, sowers of discord, etc.)
9th Circle: Those who betray one who is close to them (i.e. a close/best friend, a relative, a lover)
So, it occurred to me the other day, while sitting in my temporary desk chair, that (in addition to the fact that medieval definitions of Lust, Gluttony, Greed, Anger, Heresy, Violence, Fraud, and Treachery differ in various and often major ways from those of today — just for example, with the exception of the Violent most of those people he consigned to Hell would be Reality TV Stars today) Dante failed to consign to Hell some people I really think deserve to be represented there!
I am therefore proposing adding a few extra Circles of Hell, as follows:
10th Circle: Oblique Sadists: Those who create indirect agony without technically getting their hands dirty.
In the outermost Circle: Furniture & Fashion Sadists – The designers, fabricators and vendors of sadistic furniture and clothing. Those who are responsible for the proliferation of ugly and uncomfortable chairs, couches, shoes, clothing and foundation garments. They would spend eternity consigned to their own furniture and clothing. Fair’s fair, after all, and unlike with modern fashion — and paraphrasing Heidi Klum — one day you’re “in” and the next day you’re still “in”. 😉
In the Middle Circle: Passive Aggressives – Those displaying behavior characterized by the expression of negative feelings, resentment, and aggression in an unassertive passive way such as procrastination, avoidance or sabotage. They would spend eternity alone or only in the company of other passive-aggressives. Ouch!
In the Innermost Circle: Virtual Sadists – The Designers and Maintainers of confusing and unresponsive customer service phone lines and websites. They would spend eternity trying to negotiate their way out of hell using versions of their own websites or computerized phone systems. Need I say more?
11th Circle: Deliberate Plagiarists and Blame- Shifters – Those who claim credit for the ideas and achievements of others and who shift the blame for their own errors onto others. While Thieves of material goods and Liars in general are pretty much included in the 8th Circle, these slimeballs tend to get away with their actions more often because they are less obvious — at least to higher-ups. They would spend eternity getting credit for nothing and being blamed for everything, up to and including Noah’s Flood, the Black Death, and the fact that there are currently so many TV shows featuring the Kardashians.
In the outer Circle: The Habitually Offended – Those determined to take offense at anything and everything, and to react with aggression and hostility. Those who see racism, sexism, religious prejudice, disablity prejudice, age prejudice, gender bias, sin or conspiracy in nearly every aspect of daily interaction, and believe themselves justified in reacting with anger, belligerence, and even with physical violence. While Rage per se is covered in the 5th Circle, because these people can also be really especially annoying they have a special place here where they would spend eternity having to deal with actual manifestations of the isms they imagine. Not pretty, but then the actual rasists, sexists, religious bigots and other “ists” would have to be there near them in the Inner Circle, and grossly outnumbered by manifestations of the sorts of people they were most prejudiced against. Hitler, just for example, would be surrounded by Jews, and Fred Phelps would be surrounded by everybody not belonging to the Westboro Baptist Church.
So those are, for now, my proposals. If you have any to add, please feel free. Points for imaginitive, creative, and deserved punishments. 😉