August 7, 2015 by phicks2012
“Best Friends are very special people in your life. They are the first people you think about when you make plans. They are the first people you go to when you need someone to talk to. You will phone them up just to talk about nothing, or the most important things in your life. When you’re sad they will try their hardest to cheer you up. They give the best hugs in the world! They are the shoulder to cry on, because you know that they truly care about you. In most cases they would take a bullet for you, because it would be too painful to watch you get hurt.”
I’m given to understand that people like that actually exist, but I’ve never been able to prove it. Nope. I have friends, but the fabled BFF? Nada. Never has happened, alas!
It’s possible that I expect too much, or give too little, or that I just have a knack, and did even as a child, for picking friends whose mood swings (and subsequent reliability) would make even the most erratic WiFi signals pale by comparison. Alas! Every time I’ve thought I’ve found a potential Best Friend (in capital letters) I’ve subsequently discovered to my personal dismay that I’ve once again made an error in judgment.
Best friends call you, and accept your phone calls. They message or email you, and respond to your messages and emails. They find time to get together, and they don’t suddenly and without warning stop speaking to you. They don’t trash you to mutual acquaintances and total strangers, or snake your boyfriends, or sabotage your work, or deliberately run up your power bills, or destroy your property.
Okay, even “Regular Friends” aren’t supposed to do those things, but “Best Friends”, in theory at least, are supposed to have your back rather than stabbing you in it. Oh, and they’re supposed to be there for you when you need a shoulder to cry on, or a friendly ear, or someone to help you hide a body, right?
So here’s the deal. I’m thinking of creating application forms and conducting interviews for the position. Anyone checking the “Yes, I am emotionally unstable and likely to go off the deep end at the slightest provocation” box would be immediately disqualified, and I’d also be inclined to mark off anyone checking the “Yes, I’m addicted to watching any Real Housewives variation” or admitting to having ever been a houseguest on “Big Brother”.
Likewise, anyone failing to apply at all, or to show up for the interview, would be marked off the list, as would any applicant married (after their arrest, conviction and incarceration) to an imprisoned serial killer. I mean, a girl has to have her standards, after all!
Anyone left after the initial screening process would enter a trial period during which they would be subjected to reruns of The Kardashians to test their mental stability and endurance, and to reruns of Honey Boo-Boo to assess their stomach contents. They would then be required run an obstacle course comprised of yapping pets, ailing parents, whining children, annoying spouses, intrusive housemates, and the entire cast of Terminator Genesis.
I do not, by the way, expect anyone short of a Marvel Super Hero to make it to the finish line without being sidetracked at least once, so the true test will be that of dealing with the above distractions and still managing to finish at all. Yep, that’s the ticket. Show me you aren’t going to bail on plans every time there’s an obstacle, and I’ll be duly impressed!
Survivors will then compete in a comedic faceoff in the style of “Whose Line Is It Anyway”, where the points don’t matter except to weed out anyone lacking a functional sense of humor. Okay, so I like to laugh!
Finally, of course, and assuming anyone actually made it that far, I would need to select a winner! A challenge, I’ll admit, but I’m willing to give it a try! Are you?
Applicants welcomed. The BFF Bowl Season begins in September. 😉