101 Stupid Ways to Give Yourself a Shiner: Numbers One & Two & Three

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January 9, 2015 by phicks2012

10-Free-Smiley-Face-With-Black-EyeOkay, so I could probably really come up with 101 if I really set my mind to it, but suffice it to say that my last three black eyes came about as the result of stupidity. People won’t often ask you about such injuries, because strangers suspect they might have come about as the result of domestic violence and thus feel uncomfortable inquiring, but injuries happen even without a perpetrator.These three happened because my intellignece and coordination lapsed. I’m owning it. I’m apparently a klutz, and now I’m sharing it.

I have some paving stones leading up to my side porch that are well-known to be slick when wet. I tend to avoid them in bad weather, and have added friction strips on those right at the bottom of the steps (okay, they were added after a slip caused me to fall backwards and slam my back against a riser), but a year or so back I had the bad judgement to avoid one of the non-stripped stones not quite enough, slipped, and went sailing forward, doing a very hard face-plant right on one of the bloody things. By some miracle, my glasses didn’t break, but they were driven hard against my face and I wound up with a really spectacular shiner. I told people who would be amused by the fiction that one of my former SCA proteges, Aislinn, did it, and she found that entertaining as well. In fact, she suggested it, and we embroidered on the tale quite a bit before the swelling went down and my black eye finally faded.

Then, months ago, I was walking along a fence line to feed my horses when I chanced upon a hanging limb. It was dead, but still attached to the tree, and it was just hanging down there over the path low enough to be in the way. I could have gotten around it, but this was a path I used regularly, so I decided to break off the end of the branch. Now, this task might easily enough have been managed by putting fown the feed bucket I was carrying, reaching up with both hands and snapping off the lowest hanging bit, but did I do that? Nope. Instead I grabbed the end with my free hand and yanked, expecting the dead wood to snap. Instead, the limb broke off much higher up, at the tree trunk, and the thick end swung down and smacked me right in the face. I not only wound up with another colorful eye, but also with a seriously fat lip. I was afraid a couple of teeth might be in danger of loosening as a result of the blow, but fortunately swelling and bruising turned out to be the worst of it, and — not wishing to fly in the face of tradition — I blamed it on another former Protege, Molli. I figured she would have been flattered to be considered bad-ass enough to beat up her former Peer.

One would have thought I’d have learned my lesson enough to avoid blows to the facial area after that, but NOOOO. A couple of weeks ago I bent over at my front door to place a bolster along the bottom of the door to block a draft, and in the darkness I somehow –okay, it was easy to do in the dark hallway — collided HARD eyebrow-to-door-key. Now that sounds minor, and strange, but the fact is that my front door key is about six-inches long, taking the form of a wrought-iron, half-pound skeleton key, and was at the time sticking out of the lock about five lethal inches. I was pretty sure that this time a concussion was going to be involved. I mean, I hit the floor immediately, very quickly had the beginnings of an impressive goose-egg, and it hurt like Hell! So I did a quick Google for concussion symptoms and treatment, put together an ice-pack, swallowed some aspirin, and took it easy for the rest of the night, and the knot went down — mostly. I didn’t actually realize until the following day that I had another black eye. So, obviously not being one to flout tradition, I began considering whom I should blamed this time around for beating me up, and I decided to point the finger at a current Protege. So this time I blamed Essyllt, who’d been under the weather and needed, I figured, cheering up.

I still have a small gap in my eyebrow where the key hit, and the spot is still tender, but this one was for YOU Essyllt! You are the official Scapegoat and Bad-Ass this time around!! Relish it! Embrace it!

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January 2015


I am an active, outgoing person interested in all sorts of things and all sorts of people! I'm constantly discovering new interests, and expect that to continue right into the grave!

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