February 28, 2014 by phicks2012
Have you ever caught yourself actually watching an incredibly, horribly, unredeemably BAD monster movie (like Sharktopus, Ghost Shark, or Razortooth) on the Syfy Channel, or even On-Demand, simply because there was literally nothing else on TV you had any interest in viewing? Just the other day I watched a giant eel slither up into a jiffy john and eat a fat redneck from the ass up, and thought to myself “Why in the Hell am I watching this piece of crap?”
In my defense, at least for the day in question, I was curled up under a couple of fluffy blankets next to a vaporizer, a large jug of fruit juice, a bottle of Tussin DM, a bottle of aspirin, and a bag of sugar-free cough drops self-medicating myself for bronchitis, so I really wasn’t feeling all that well to begin with.
I’m almost never sick, but when I do catch something my tendency is to want to curl up someplace warm and soft with a good book or a good movie — or a succession of the same — until I feel better. Unfortunately, I’d read just about every book in the house (and that’s saying something), and watched and rewatched every nearly one of my DVDs (which is also saying something), so I was reasonably desperate. As a result, I sighed and started scrolling through the On Demand menu.
My TV Provider has good, new movies On Demand, but none of them are free, and some are outright pricy, and paying to watch something on TV when I’m already paying for TV is something I dislike on principle. However, when you go to the Free Movies list you either get old movies you’ve seen 300 times (like 1985’s Back to the Future or 2001’s Knight’s Tale), movies you have no remote interest in seeing (like 1983’s Revenge of the Ninja or 2008’s Deadgirl), or the pivotal “Okay, this might be good for a laugh” old Japanese monster movies (generally featuring Godzilla) and really awful and specious mutant monster or freak of nature movies (generally produced by the SyFy Channel, like 2010’s Mega-Shark vs. Crocosaurus, or 2011’s Mega Python vs. Gatoroid, or 2012’s Two-Headed Shark Attack).
That day I was desperate. I watched 2007’s Razortooth (see note re: outhouse and redneck), 1995’s Godzilla vs. Destoroyah (which I’d never actually seen or even heard of before — go figure!), 1991’s Godzilla vs. King Ghidorah (complete with time-travelers), and 1993’s Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla (doesn’t Godzilla ever get tired of attacking Toyko and want to expand his horizons to check out some place like — oh, say Beirut or Hoboken?). Then, having pretty much exhausted On-Demand’s stock of utter crap and bad-but-classics I moved on the Netflix for 2012’s badly written Chinese epic Croczilla (not a mutant, but with supergator endurance and accompanied by the requisite cast of bad actors), and 2013’s Sharknado (just because when you’re doing train wrecks you tend to stay on the same track).
Not one of those films is ever going to be nominated for an Oscar (or even a Bob), but the upside was that my attention could drift away from the HD Screen without my really missing anything worthwhile, so I’m excusing myself for the lapse of judgement, and, of course, the next day, still working on recovery, I took a step up on the class ladder and watched an entire season of Mystery Diners. I mean, you have to have SOME standards, right? 😉